Self-Compassion: A key ingredient for emotional wellbeing.

Julie woke up late. "Typical!" she thought. "I'm always in a hurry. Now getting ready will be so stressful." As she hurried to get dressed, she dropped her makeup case on the floor. "Typical! I'm so clumsy and useless!" she exclaimed. She dashed into the kitchen to grab a quick coffee before leaving, putting on her shoes simultaneously. "This ALWAYS happens to me! Why am I such a failure?" she lamented as the coffee spilled onto the floor with a crash.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Self-criticism is widespread and can be either conscious or unconscious, manifesting as a constant flow of thoughts where we scrutinize every perceived flaw and failure. No one seems immune; many high-functioning adults have admitted that their internal dialogue is far from compassionate. Self-compassion, which involves treating ourselves with kindness, care, and understanding, is a powerful yet often overlooked resource. Although it may evoke feelings of discomfort or indulgence, research has shown that when we practice self-kindness, we become calmer, more resilient, less anxious, and report higher levels of life satisfaction.

Kristin Neff is a world leading research expert on self-compassion and it's link to wellbeing. Her work explores how self-compassion, far from leading to self-pity or laziness, actually contributes to resilience and psychological wellbeing. Her work has identified three main components:

• Self-kindness v.s. self-judgement.

• Common humanity v.s. isolation.

• Mindfulness v.s. overidentification.

If we can lean into self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, we are more likely to find ourselves to be motivated and energised. Approaches to self-compassion involve activities like journaling or writing letters to ourselves, practicing mindfulness, and using compassionate language. This might involve altering our internal dialogue to reflect kindness, such as:

• "I'm so bad at everything!" (self-judgment) vs. "I generally do my best, and that is enough" (self-kindness)

• "I forgot my friend's birthday. He probably hates me now. I'm the only person who forgets." (Isolation) vs. "It's normal for people to forget things occasionally. Being human means making mistakes, and it doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes." (Common humanity)

• "That feedback at work was awful. Everyone thinks I'm incompetent - I can't do anything right" (over-identification) vs. "Oooh, that feedback was hard. I feel embarrassed and disappointed in myself. It's hard, but it's okay to feel that way." (Mindfulness).

Another way of framing this is to treat ourselves as we would a beloved friend. One of Kristin's key points is, "With self-compassion, we offer ourselves the same kindness and support we'd extend to a good friend." If you were Julie's friend, as mentioned above, would you agree with her? Would you add any more hurtful criticisms? Or is there something else you would say? How would it feel to embrace the kindness we offer others and direct it towards ourselves in that moment?

Self-compassion often doesn't come naturally to us, and it may bring up various conflicting emotions. That's perfectly fine - we're only human! To strengthen self-compassion, we can read books like Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff, visit her website, or use therapy to explore the obstacles and challenges that arise when we try to be kind to ourselves. Self-compassion isn't about avoiding responsibility; it's about learning to support ourselves when we need it the most. If you're interested in learning more, please do get in touch.

Julie woke up late. "Oh no!" she thought. "This is stressful. Let me organize myself. I'll get dressed, then do my makeup, and finally grab a coffee to take with me. It's alright, I have enough time, anyway, everyone is late sometimes." As she hurried to get dressed, she dropped her makeup case on the floor. "Im feeling frustrated by that. I think I'm rushing too much," she said. "I need to slow down, take some deep, calming breaths, and make sure I'm not doing too much." With her shoes on so she didn't trip up, she went into the kitchen to grab a quick coffee. "Waking up late felt annoying, but I managed. Tomorrow, I'll make sure my alarm is set!" she told herself while sipping her coffee and heading out the door.